Scrambled Brain with a side of WTF

I have recently been doing a lot of thinking, HUSH!.. more than usual. It is time for a major behavioral change. Einstein said, and I've often repeated, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results so.. it's time to get sane.. at least in some aspects.

I tend to be a very open person on the surface but my real thoughts and feelings are deeply guarded. Opinions are freely given regardless of advisees desire for them. Questions are answered with honesty often to a fault. My thoughts/feelings, serious ones, (I think there are those we show.. those we will have coaxed out of us and others we keep entirely to ourselves) the ones I rarely share, well they have had me in quite a state for some time.

I tend to vent and rant over day to days but the things that really bother me I deal with on my own. I have never really been able to express them to people in a way that I felt they understood. "It's complicated", I say or "you know I'm crazy so you won't get it" and I am always assured that it's gotten or others know where I"m coming from but their examples and their understanding are always a miss. The comparisons just aren't there. So.. I yeah yeah or yup and leave it for myself to deal with.

At this point my head is scrambled. Doctors have a way with the mental whisk that seems to do it every time. I supposed there is some ray of hope somewhere deep inside that thinks they will figure out a cause or at the very least something that has a viable treatment but they never do. They deliver the "this neck of yours bad" or "Best we can do is some pain control" or the best one "these will help" **doctor writes several Rxs** They never do. I've taken them all. One day I list them all.. the neurotin, topamax, Elavil, a slew of antidepressants, boosters, nerve pills, pain pills, anti-inflammatories, all of which added another 2-4 drugs to combat the side effects.. They do a wicked good head job on a head that is already pretty employed but no help with pain.

This last time with the bone doc, that one whisked me good. He tells me my entire neck, save one cushy disc, is bad "really very bad" but there is nothing to do for it until I'm fortunate enough to loose motor function from the compromised nerves from C2-T1 heh. No injections, no manipulating, "we could try some PT but it's not likely to make much difference."

It's interesting, I mean, chronic pain and I have been in a committed, long term for 10 years or more now but I would like to be able to move my head normally again. Also to not have loss of function and surgery that will mess up more things the only hope for the future of my head rest would be good.

Back to thinking. This was the catalyst or in crazy chick terms, the trigger for the latest bout of WTF. The last two weeks has been a constant emotional roller coaster of questions. How do I deal with another part of my body that is permanently and unrelentingly painful? What new life changes do I have to make to accommodate this long term?  What do I do through the progression of loss of range of motion? How do I limit stress to prevent neck tension to put further strain on my already messed up spine? (SO NOT HAPPENING) What does this mean to my life this time? How do I put on the happy face and be a wife, mother, friend, daughter, confidant, therapist, artist, & domestic goddess? How do I bare more pain? Do I let the docs finally increase my meds? Will I have to change my 6 pillow, two wedge, nightly arrangement now? What my limit of what I can take? Where is the motivation to fight? Do I even want to fight anymore? Can I live with another debiliattingly painful area? Are the life modification I have to make this time something we can afford? Is the yet again modified life worth the trouble and the pain I endure to live it?

No that is not a cry for help or an I'm going to kill myself. It's not about wanting to die or whatever.. Life is relative. I'm stuck here. Like it or not. I brought 4 people into this world who didn't ack for it so I'm here till I'm not by choice of the universe. The question is more of how I live. If it's even a life.

At the moment I'm in automaton mode. I get up, do what I have to, struggle with pain, go to bed, repeat. Pain is making me ugly. I can't even stand me right now and I'm very angry with the world in general.

My family need to be less reliant on me for every detail of their lives because right now.. I am not in any shape to run the lives of all of these people. The office manager is on holiday, supervisor away from her desk, secretary is on lunch, the therapist is booked, the doctor quit, housekeeper is ironing, cook well she has to feed you but check your food carefully. All I've got right now is what I need to get through this ride.. Until my eggs separate and start looking like a frontal lobe again I just can't be everything.