Therapy in one form or another was a reoccurring event for me. As a problem child I was theraped by many. This resulted in labels. ADHD, LD, PTSD, PD, and lots of other letters. They labeled me so many things that my medical files gave the impression that I had sponsorship from the APA (American Psychiatric Association) like a nascar (SP). Treatment included a host of psychotropic drugs, family, group, and individual sessions, hypnosis, psychological referrals from school, and inpatient treatment. The silver in that was finding I wasn't so much slow LD as had an IQ between 135 and 165 depending on which time they tested me. The school system that shall remain nameless, marked me as LD and put me in basic reading, basic math, and curved everything for a child who was what they now call special ed. All of this was supposed to fix me. Needless to say, it did not acclimate me or make me into what was considered normal but it did teach me how to fake it.
As a young adult I repeated the cycle thinking, clearly I needed someone to look up from their notepad, over their glasses and say to me "and how did that make you feel". The majority never had a clue what to do with me. Terms like conform, social standards, and adapt were common from most. None of that made sense to me. My thought process seems perfectly logical. Nothing in my thinking made me act out deviance. Nothing made me a danger to myself or others. Nothing about how my mind worked did anything wrong other than question and try to understand things. So why was it wrong? I gave up on shrinks for some time after that.
In my early 30s doctors treating a pain issue suggested I talk to someone to help me through the whole living with chronic pain thing. Figuring this might also be another chance to find someone who could explain why I didn't work the right way, I made some calls.
For anyone who hasn't be theraped, let me tell you, if you weren't crazy when you went in, after they put you through the ringer to try to figure out what kind of crazy you are.. you will be. I understand that there is a process and they have procedures but this is not my first rodeo and I know the drill. Shrinking me is what I have done best over the years so I can pretty much go in and say. This is what I am..how I work.. what do you think. They don't like that. Evaluation is what they call it.. but when it was done, for the first time I sat in a room with a person who got me.
After a few times of working through my history and the mess that is, she told me I was not wrong or broken. Thinking differently was not crazy. An inability to understand the evils of humanity was not a malfunction in me but an ability to think about things on a different level. From a different place. No one can say it's the IQ that flips a switch or life experiences. They don't know if it's found more in one kind of person or another or if it just me and some strange dude in some other town, or if half of the populous thinks this way but is told it's not normal. It just is what it is.
This therapist was so solid and strong it made me want to believe what she said. She had traveled and studied with Yogis, Monks, spiritualist, and she was open to everything. I had no idea that some of our spiritual leaders, inventors, scientist, etc were different thinkers. Abnormal. Crazy. Broken. The crazy ones, as Apple would say. By no means am I saying that I'm even close to being as special as these people but to know that many of them shared my labels makes it easier to have worn them.
Abnormality is not a problem for me. Now I embrace the oddity of how I work. Life is lived by my terms. I strive for understanding and enlightenment, to know who we are, where we come from, where we are headed. People are complicated, fascinating creatures. While I do not socialize as much due to my process, I do like to observe. (not in a creeper way) I have everything I need from people and prefer to keep the majority of them at a distance. It is far too much strain to have to constantly explain my questions or comments and my "but that is illogical"s.
Largely my life consists of Jase, my best friend and love, our 4 kids, and a few select family members and friends who dig me for my oddities not despite them. For those of you who said I would never be right, that I would never be able function without medication, for those who said I would never be anything more than crazy, well, my kids are all the most well adjusted, kindest, most loving, and compassionate people I have ever met. It amazes me every day that I didn't screw them up but, I didn't. I am also in a very happy relationship. We just genuinely like each other. (crazy I know) After over 10 years, I think we are closer. Maybe you should think more like I do.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Do I need a title?
My father use to have this saying.. or thing he would say when ever I approached him worked up. Good or bad he would usually say "Put some words of wisdom in my ear". Some times it made me laugh, other times it just pissed me off. I never took the words to heart until long after he died. Now that I'm older and maybe a little wiser, I think about this a lot.
Years ago I didn't really think about anything but what I wanted, thought I needed, and how to get it. I was angry, selfish, spoiled, and cold. I didn't warm up much.. but I did learn some things.
One of those things is that I think way too much. I think about everything all the time. My brain is so busy with the hows and whys of life that I tend to be constantly giving a speech on one thing or another. I'm often ignored or worse, not. People get offended or angry or become totally indifferent.
Apparently to start a sentence with the precursor of "I mean no offense" or "This is just out I see things" does not lessen the blow or the accusation that I am being condescending. I'll admit, sometimes I am intentionally being such but for the most part I am giving an opinion. One that I believe holds value not only because it's mine but because I have spent a very long time forming it. I weight sides, consider perception of as many sides as I can conceive, and try to understand the motivation and reasoning behind all arguments. I do this because I believe, with everything I am that is where you find truth. Not in one side or the other but somewhere inbetween. One's perception rarely reflects truth. (I'm sure at some point I'll get on perception.)
This helps me try to figure out where people are coming from and what I believe to be the right idea from it. That is how I form my opinions on everything from my kids to my political views. Not because someone told me it something was right or because there is reward or punishment or because it works out so that it fits with my current behavior but because of the basic human, animal, or right of life. It's not easy. I often find I end up understanding where the other side is coming from and how they came to their opinion but i also understand why I am the way I am better as well. Also, it is not a great tool for social interaction. People do not want real opinions or to look at life from the other guys perspective they want to think what they want and feel what they want without caring why. If you point out that although their feelings are valid, (because our perspective is often how we define truth, a fallacy but truth is relative to the observer.) one must considered intention, (bricks and motar of hell? bla bla whatever .. it matters) context, and our own personal experiences that might contribute to how we react to things. A lot of work right? Well if we want to learn to be better people than we have been in the past, it takes work.
I feel so many people spew the 'opinions' given to the my society, religion, or to support and justify their behavior. They alter their beliefs to fit their lifestyle. People fall into mob mentality and clan behavior and have no awareness that they never even considered the other side. All throughout our history we have sat on the sidelines and watched this take place. War time atrocities, witch trials, persecution, racism, segregation, extermination, hate crimes, etc. We know it's wrong. Even if we don't believe what others do is good for them or the world.. we know that it is not right on any level to harm the way we do. The tribes we belong to, our clans, our mobs, often dictate our thoughts. Everything in society trains us to allow it. First our parents, schools, churches, government, work, peer groups, etc. Most never realize they have never formed an opinion on their own.
While I am not sure that I believe that now, at this place in my life, that I am what I consider wise, I do think I am on the path of being so. With this being my way, how I see the world and form opinions, maybe my Dad wasn't too far off.
****NOTE
I'm not a writer, as you might have noticed. I suck at grammar, punctuation, spelling, paper structure etc. I type like I talk.. I.. or I , when I would pause in speaking.. so if you have issue, please feel free to not read anything I write. It really just isn't that important to me. :)
Years ago I didn't really think about anything but what I wanted, thought I needed, and how to get it. I was angry, selfish, spoiled, and cold. I didn't warm up much.. but I did learn some things.
One of those things is that I think way too much. I think about everything all the time. My brain is so busy with the hows and whys of life that I tend to be constantly giving a speech on one thing or another. I'm often ignored or worse, not. People get offended or angry or become totally indifferent.
Apparently to start a sentence with the precursor of "I mean no offense" or "This is just out I see things" does not lessen the blow or the accusation that I am being condescending. I'll admit, sometimes I am intentionally being such but for the most part I am giving an opinion. One that I believe holds value not only because it's mine but because I have spent a very long time forming it. I weight sides, consider perception of as many sides as I can conceive, and try to understand the motivation and reasoning behind all arguments. I do this because I believe, with everything I am that is where you find truth. Not in one side or the other but somewhere inbetween. One's perception rarely reflects truth. (I'm sure at some point I'll get on perception.)
This helps me try to figure out where people are coming from and what I believe to be the right idea from it. That is how I form my opinions on everything from my kids to my political views. Not because someone told me it something was right or because there is reward or punishment or because it works out so that it fits with my current behavior but because of the basic human, animal, or right of life. It's not easy. I often find I end up understanding where the other side is coming from and how they came to their opinion but i also understand why I am the way I am better as well. Also, it is not a great tool for social interaction. People do not want real opinions or to look at life from the other guys perspective they want to think what they want and feel what they want without caring why. If you point out that although their feelings are valid, (because our perspective is often how we define truth, a fallacy but truth is relative to the observer.) one must considered intention, (bricks and motar of hell? bla bla whatever .. it matters) context, and our own personal experiences that might contribute to how we react to things. A lot of work right? Well if we want to learn to be better people than we have been in the past, it takes work.
I feel so many people spew the 'opinions' given to the my society, religion, or to support and justify their behavior. They alter their beliefs to fit their lifestyle. People fall into mob mentality and clan behavior and have no awareness that they never even considered the other side. All throughout our history we have sat on the sidelines and watched this take place. War time atrocities, witch trials, persecution, racism, segregation, extermination, hate crimes, etc. We know it's wrong. Even if we don't believe what others do is good for them or the world.. we know that it is not right on any level to harm the way we do. The tribes we belong to, our clans, our mobs, often dictate our thoughts. Everything in society trains us to allow it. First our parents, schools, churches, government, work, peer groups, etc. Most never realize they have never formed an opinion on their own.
While I am not sure that I believe that now, at this place in my life, that I am what I consider wise, I do think I am on the path of being so. With this being my way, how I see the world and form opinions, maybe my Dad wasn't too far off.
****NOTE
I'm not a writer, as you might have noticed. I suck at grammar, punctuation, spelling, paper structure etc. I type like I talk.. I.. or I , when I would pause in speaking.. so if you have issue, please feel free to not read anything I write. It really just isn't that important to me. :)
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